Escaping

I should be writing this in my journal, but I'm on the computer and didn't want to forget what's on my mind before I could put them to paper. This blog is probably the second most appropriate place I have to write them down. 

In January, I began a new daily regimen. I woke up early, prayed, studied scriptures, journaled, read out of self development books, and was training to run. I did this consistently, maybe missing a handful of days in the course of four months. I was happy with myself. I loved the changes brought about by my choices. 

Now I am 16 weeks along with our fourth child. Morning sickness began 8 weeks ago, and so did my attempts to escape. This doesn't refer to any sort of physical risk or abandonment. I mentally and emotionally was trying to escape my life. 

If I drank socially, it would be comparable to becoming an alcoholic. Drowning my sorrows.

But my vice isn't alcohol. 

It's not as simple to isolate. My vice involves wasting time, entertainment, laziness. And I took them to the extreme to escape. We don't have a tv or netflix account, so I couldn't just find a series to endlessly watch, or go to movie after movie, but I used youtube and network websites to view current seasons of The Voice and a few episodes of America's Got Talent - but the production of that show made me think too much of Rome's "bread and circuses" and the decay of civilization and I did not continue watching. I would watch Ellen clips and just continually search for something to pass the time while I suffered through the constant nausea and puking. I rationalized that nothing more could be expected of me in my condition.  

I tired of the headphones and switched to reading. Three or four series I completed in two and a half weeks. I did nothing with myself, showering weekly. Nothing with my kids, my 5 and 6 year olds were  caring for the 1 year old. Even if I physically needed their help, I was emotionally shut off to them. My ipad was an extension of me. I didn't go anywhere without it. I looked at it and only it. 

Yes, I was sick. No I couldn't have done more physically. But I let my mental disciplines slip and never even tried to regain them. I just slid into my escape. It was easier. 

I decided tonight that a physical sickness does not need to impair my mental health. When I refer to mental health, I refer to self talk, attitude, correct thinking, and education. I had abandoned all improvement in those areas and am suffering greatly for it. 

So I gave Mike my ipad to hide. Yes, I'm on a laptop. It is less portable, more cumbersome, but not without temptation. So my first actions will be to make the right choices first every day. Daily devotional and good reading, journaling, and my educational/leadership cds first. Then if facebook or pinterest beckon, I can make better time choices with them. Ten minutes rather than mindless searching for entertainment for hours. 

If you can change how you think, you can change your life. 

This is my first step to the life I really want for myself.